Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Some People Just Shouldn't Bother!

So I’m hijacking this Tuesday since I missed my post from last week. *sheepish grin that I’m hoping everyone thinks is cute* I travelled to Chicago for a wedding and had car lag because a sista made “The Drive”! Ten &^%&# hours! Thanks to Munchies, Cherry Coke and Wal-Dryl it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been but… *sigh* Good Lawd! It was looong! I did get to see Harpo Studios (Hi, Oprah!). Aaaand I had myself a funnel cake at the Navy Pier! Below are pics of me at Harpo and me trying to avoid my hubby while I stuff my face with funnel cake. Ah. Good times! 

Me Harpo StudiosMe Funnel Cake

Well my mom took care of the kids for us…and you would think after my last fiasco I would’ve learned my lesson. But, alas, no, I didn’t. You have to understand this important factor or this story will be for naught: My mother is the kind of person who must stay busy. She’ll come over to visit and, by the time I come out of the bathroom, a load of laundry is in the washer and the living room is rearranged. Not that I mind! By all means, far be it for me to hinder whatever floats her boat, right? I read and drink coffee to relax, she cleans. So on the way back I’m all, “At least I’m returning to a clean house” because she’s had days, not hours! And I was right! The house looked gaw-geous!! The couch and entertainment center had switched places, I had new plants and clean clothes in the closet. I told her she needs to start a new career as a professional organizer. That woman could straighten up a hoard! Uh, not that I’m a hoarder…that’s not what I’m saying….

Anyhoo, she had it shining and smelling like a lemon-scented Taj Mahal! Now there’s a rule with my mother that I should have learned and remembered from last summer: Every nook and cranny will get cleaned and organized. Ergo, if you don’t want her seeing something, lock it up! So we’re back, everything’s cool…then my husband comes into the room and tosses a purple, silicon phallic toy—okay, damn! A dildo! He tosses my purple dildo on the bed. The one that has the little dolphin head and bill to tickle that special place? Yeah, that one. He tells me, “You forgot something.” Apparently my mother found it, thought it was my daughter’s and threw it in her toy box. My husband passed by her room to find her kneeling in front of the box, wagging it back and forth with a frown. She turned to look at him standing in the doorway and whined, “Daddy, I don’t get how this works.” Lord, take me now to that big upper room in the sky!!

I learned two things last week:

1. My mother must not be getting any because this makes two times that she’s come across sex toys and have no idea what she’s handling. First, the cock ring is a bracelet now the dildo is aa toy—literally.

2. I need to get rid of all my stash because obviously I am not old or responsible enough to clean my room and put my toys up!

I don’t know which was more eventful, the trip to Chicago or the what awaited me back home…


Casey Crow said...

Ha! You're parents are a riot. Don't you just love Oprah? I met her when I was a teenager and attending the HOBY World Leadership Congress. She took the time to indiviually talk with each of us. She's so cool.

Naima Simone said...

No, Casey! I'm so jealous! I LOVE Oprah! I want to be her when I grow up! LOL!

Dalton Diaz said...

You do realize that some day, your daughter is going to put two and two together. Oh, to be a fly on the wall!

Naima Simone said...

LOL!! You know, Dalton, I didn't think of that! Oh God! I've scarred her for life! If something like that had happened to me with my parents I probably wouldn't have this issue of my mother finding my toys...I would have never bought one!! LOL! Yech!

Dalton Diaz said...

Probably won't happen until she's at least 30, so enjoy yourself!

Besides, who knows what stuff will look like by then? Could be like a dial phone - what's that & why are the numbers in a circle, inside little circles? Rabbit ears? What happened to the rest of the rabbit?

Naima Simone said...

ROFL!! Actually, I was watching Housewives of Atlanta, and one of the housewives, Khandi, has her own line of adult toys. She designed a toy that has dual stimulation--an inny and out-y, if you catch my drift. That--get this!--vibrates in time to music! So if you want to get your swerve on to the beat of Lady Gaga, you can! LOL! I thought that was pretty funny! And cool!

Jax Cassidy said...

I couldn't stop laughing. Personally, I'd be mortified because all parents assume their children are virgins--like forever.. LOL

I love road trips, but I bet you're glad it's over.