Tuesday, July 13, 2010

True Tales from the Red Light District

True stories. And not for the faint of heart.

My mother offered to give my house a thorough cleaning since she's off for the summer. And well, since I'm domestically-challenged and she enjoys the domestic arts, who am I to deprive her of such joys? It would be callous and cruel. So she tackled my bedroom first. The hubby and I made strategic moves of certain toys--and I ain't talking Mr. Potato Head!--before she started. A week later, voila! The room looks great! Like something out of Better Homes and Gardens! Everything is frighteningly organized down to the socks. This morning I dive in my color-coordinated jewelry box searching for a bracelet and my fingers close around a pink, stretchy bauble...wait...gasp! That's not a bracelet it's the pink cock ring vibrator that somehow slipped our pre-cleaning shakedown. And that my mother apparently thought was jewelry and hung next to the red, glass charm bracelet I got for Christmas.

True story.

A certain woman--and it's not my cousin because I told her I would not reveal her identity--is a connoisseur of sexual toys. She keeps a separate drawer for such rubber delights. One day, while passing her daughter's room she looked in on her and the conversation went something like this:

Daughter: Hi, Mommy!
Mother: (Coming into the room, arms outstretched) Oh, sweetie, hi. Where'd you get that? That's mommy's.
Daughter: (glances down) No, Mommy. They're getting married.
Mother: (nervous, wobbly smile) No, sweetie. That's mommy's doll.
Daughter: (hugging large rubber penis and bride barbie to chest): Noooo, mommy! They're getting married!


True story.

So. Has a mother, father, child found your stash? If so, how did you play it off? Or did you? You can share! I won't tell or have Savannah post you as Freak of the Week! Hee-hee!

16 comments:

Michelle Polaris said...

I live in fear of my boys finding our stuff. But this is a hilarious topic. We keep telling each other we'll buy a large lock box, but the sands of the hourglass fall by so fast, I'll probably have fodder for a story before we get our act together.

Cara McKenna said...

At this point in my life I'm more concerned about the realtor showing my condo to prospective buyers and coming across the stash—though it's very modest, just one mild-mannered toy who lives in my bra drawer. But if somebody leaned in to inspect the bedroom radiator they might come upon a confusing still-life under the side table: the lube bottle standing sentry beside a stack of worn out old Harper's back issues. Ooh, those kinky liberal sluts!

Savannah Stuart said...

Hey, no promises! If someone posts a freaky story, they're going up on 'the list', lol! Your story is hilarious. I almost spewed coffee all over my keyboard.

Before we made the 'big move' this year I boxed up the toys, double taped it, marked it 'fragile' then put them in another box named sweaters. I was not taking the chance of my momma finding those! Now they're back in their home: the nightstand drawer (we're very creative) We don't have kids yet but when we do I think we'll have to find a better hiding spot than the nightstand drawer.

I don't have any stories but years ago when my hubby was in high school he worked for a moving company. One day he and this guy were moving in a new bedroom set so they had to take the old one out. As they lifted the top of the mattress a pink vibrator rolled onto the floor. He said it was like it happened in slow motion. The woman who lived there just stared for a moment before scooping it up and hurrying out of the room. :)

Camryn Rhys said...

I accidentally left my Rabbit on the edge of the bathtub when my parents were here. I assumed, of course, that they wouldn't go in my private bathroom. But I was wrong. My mother likes to clean when she has nothing else to do. Should have remembered that.

When I got back from my appointments with clients, my mother was sitting very somberly at the kitchen table and said she needed to talk to me about something she found. I had no idea what it was until she PRODUCED IT! I'm like, Mother, don't touch that, that's been in my vagina. But she was "very worried" about me. It was sort of hilarious. I assured her that I wasn't using it becuase Jamie and I weren't having sex. In fact, if she would have asked him, I think he would have admitted that we used it just that previous night. Well, perhaps he wouldn't have admitted it to her, but he would have to his own mother. Although his mother never would have been snooping in my bathroom. She saw it as a sign that my sex life had gone down the toilet when, in fact, J was the one who bought it for me. Anyway, it was still embarrassing, but hopefully I was able to set her mind at ease. Needless to say, they don't go in my bathroom anymore.

Wynter Daniels said...

Those stories are hysterical! Thankfully, I have no story to share. No toys ever discovered at Casa Wynter. Now that I've said that, I feel like I need to hide the stash better!

Michele Emrath said...

Love that second story...We left something phallic on the counter once and one of my children (toddler at the time) asked what it was, but that was the extent of it. We've been pretty careful...Though we don't let our parents go poking around in our drawers!

This is a great blog, glad I came by.

Michele
SouthernCityMysteries

Naima Simone said...

Michelle, please learn from the mortified. Lock box. Good idea. LOL! But on the off chance you do not follow this sage advice...don't feel shy about sharing if you end up with that fodder! LOL!!

Naima Simone said...

LOL! Cara! Gotta love sill-life art! How come I never came across the lube/Harper model in my Art Appreciation classes??

Naima Simone said...

ROFL! I can just imagine that vibrator rolling across the floor in slo-mo! LOL!! I bet inside her head the lady was going, Noooooo!!! No way to play that off!

Fragile! Hah! You should have put directly under it, Handle with Care! Hee-hee!

Naima Simone said...

"Mother, don't touch that, that's been in my vagina." OMG! That's the line of the year!! HAHAAHAHA!!! I'm so thankful my mother didn't even realize what it was! That's my only saving grace out of the whole sordid deal! Thanks for sharing, Camryn! Hilarious!!

Naima Simone said...

Wynter, you do know now that you've said that you have thrown down the guantlet to the Fates? Smacked them in the face with the proverbial glove? LOL! Keep me updated!

Naima Simone said...

Hah! Michele, you got off easy with the accepting toddler! LOL! After experiencing this with my mother I'm now on high alert to make sure the kids don't find our stash!! Thanks for stopping by, Michele!

Dalton Diaz said...

ROFLMAO! Oh man. DH and I were so afraid the kids would come across our "stash" while we were redoing our closet, we put it in a box and stuck it in the trunk of DH's old Mustang parked by the side of the house. Then we promptly forgot about it for the winter. Once the snow melted, we were able to uncover the car to remove it - and the neighbors promptly came out of their house to see what we were unveiling. They meant the car. Little did they know...

Naima Simone said...

HAHAHAHAH!! So you pretty much had an audience for the spring debut of the stash!! Were you like, move along now. Nothing to see here...ROFL!! Too funny!

lexcade said...

i love that i can always come by this blog for a laugh. you ladies are HYSTERICAL. i think this is my new fave blog.

i'm finally getting into the groove of buying toys. i have several picked out, just waiting for the money to get them. and i will definitely invest in a lock box...

Naima Simone said...

Hi, Lexcade!
As long as we can provide laughs AND valuable life lesons I feel like our job is done! LOL!