Tuesday, May 25, 2010

You Ain't Foolin' Me!

The Princess and the Pea. Cinderella. Little Red Riding Hood.

C'mon, Grimm Brothers and Aesop, you ain't fooling nobody! We know erotic stories when we read 'em! As Naughty Author Chick, Paige Tyler proved with Just Right, her lusty version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, some of the fairy tales we grew up with carry some serious sexual undertones that require the astute--and horny--mind to ferret out the well-hidden... and sometimes not so well-hidden eroticism. And that perceptive mind would be me! But hear me out and you just may end up agreeing with my analysis!

Rapunzel. So reclusive chick with waaay over-protective Mommy Dearest guardian lets down her abnormally long locks to allow people to climb up into her tower that has no way in or out but her tresses. Besides a pretty obvious advertisement for Excedrin who can't see the erotic theme in this? Amorous man spies lovely, lonely woman who is obviously...uh...sheltered. He tricks her into letting him in her tower--no pun intended there, right?--where they spend time together doing...what? Scrabble? Pictionary? How 'bout he's teaching her all kinds of naughty, sexy things. The prince turned Rapunzel out! You need further proof? The man had his eyes put out for milk and cookies? Me thinks not!


Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Uh...this is so obvious I don't even have to go into an explanation. We all know what was going on in that hut in the woods, don't we?




Beauty and the Beast. The very first paranormal erotic romance. C'mon! It's so clear! We have our first shapeshifter! So let's delve into this tale that encourages children to peer beyond a person's appearance to see the heart beneath. Unhuh. Father sends daughter to beast as a snack. Well the beast was eating something when Beauty got there! Ooh that was so crass. Sorry! But seriously, they were in that castle for days...by themselves...day after day...night after night...he provided her with clothes and comfort...I'm sooo sure he got nothing in return. Because when he was bewitched it transformed his man parts, too. Say what you want, Beauty was getting sexed by a man who was an absolute animal in bed! ROWR!



Puss in Boots. Do I really have to expound?? I didn't think so.





Sleeping Beauty. Here's my take. Because of neglectful parents or near-sighted evil fairy--depends on which version you believe--the princess is consigned to a one hundred year sleep once she pricks her finger on a spindle. Is that not a huge clue that we shouldn't be doing housework?? But anyhoo, adventurous prince braves the thorned and tangled vines that have killed many a fortune-hunting prince to wake this sleeping beauty. He finds her...once again in a tower! Are these stories Freudian or what?? He wakes her with a kiss. I'm sure she had some serious halitosis going on after one hundred years of sleeping but she's lying there, in a bed and hasn't laid eyes on a man in a century. And he just laid a kiss on her. Riiiight.

So am I on to something? Or have I just been writing way too much erotic romance? I'll let you be the judge.
I still say I'm right though...

16 comments:

Wynter Daniels said...

LOL! Little Red Riding Hood is a favorite of mine. Between her red hood, the wolf and her basket of goodies, there's so much to choose from in the way of sexual metaphors.

Kai Phoenix said...

I think we all know what Sleeping beauty and the Prince would get up to after she wakes up! 100 years? I struggle with a week...

Cara McKenna said...

I always thought the Pied Piper was a bit nefarious…luring children around and whatnot. Ditto Hansel and Gretel. Then again, the more twisted the story's undertones, the more it fascinated me as a child. Bonus points if it featured threats of cannibalism.

Not especially related but interesting, EC editor Meghan Conrad recently posted about her anti-Disney parenting stance here.

s7anna said...

I'll all about the naughty interpretation aka the real story behind fairy tales. *wink wink*

And Snow White is definitely not pure as the driven snow...c'mon now orgy anyone? ;-)

Personally, I'm all about Beauty & the Beast...talk about the ultimate tortured hero!

*hugs*
Anna

Michelle Polaris said...

I always enjoyed this idea, from the earlier days when Anne Rice wrote about Sleeping Beauty. Dark and twisted tales are so much fun.

Pain said...

WOW! It is so nice to know that I'm not the only that thought fairy tales were a little "fantasy" oriented. I mean 7 dwarfs and 1 woman who was not their mother... come on! And what's up with the women being locked up in towers. I guess if we princes/dwarfs/beasts want a "happy ending" we have to work for it. Lol.

Great blog. I look forward to discussing this further with my sleeping beauty. (wink wink)

Jina Bacarr said...

Terrific post, Naima. And you're spot on about your fairy tale heroines and their extracurricular activities. How about the 12 dancing princesses who wore holes in their slippers dancing every night?

We all know what they did when the last dance was over...

Naima Simone said...

LOL! I know, Wynter! Not to mention the wolf luring 'ol Red to his bed...'cmon! And exactly what goodies were in that basket, hmmm??? LOL!

Naima Simone said...

ROFL Kai!
I mean who do the Grimm Bros think they're fooling? Even if the castle was waking up...after 100 years exactly how long is it going to take her to do the do?? Can you say Quick Draw McDraw?? Hee-hee!

Naima Simone said...

Here's another one, Cara. Rumpelstiltskin. I mean, what was he planning on doing with that baby anyway? Hmmm...I have my ideas...

Naima Simone said...

Hi, Anna!
You know I truly didn't appreciate Beauty and the Beast to it's fullest until I was older to understand and love the tortured hero. I mean, I would so read a book like this! Hey! Who's up to the challenge of writing the REAL Beauty and the Beast? In my oh-so-humble opinion it is an erotic story where they just shut the door on us!

Naima Simone said...

I'm with you, Michelle! Since I am a lover of fairy tales, any book that brings it to life and its dark, twisty and sexy...guaranteed buy!!

Naima Simone said...

Hi, Gary...I mean, Pain!
Thank you so much for seeing the whole Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs thing with me! Not to mention Rapunzel! If that wasn't two horny kids getting it on when the parents are away I don't know what is!! LOL!

And a little word of advice, be careful when you wake your sleeping beauty. Cuz if she's in REM sleep you might get a fist in the eye!! LOL!

Naima Simone said...

LOL! Jina, yes! I forgot all about the 12 princesses! I mean there's dancing and then there's DANCING! Hee-hee! A little mattress mambo! Now it just smacks of menage a lots!! LOL!

Savannah Stuart said...

Sorry I'm late commenting. You're definitely onto something! Snow White was a dirty dirty girl, I'm sure of it, lol. And I absolutely love the Beauty and the Beast story. The way you see it is much more exciting than the original version ;)

Dalton Diaz said...

Don't forget about Rose Red. Snow White was a happy woman with or without the dwarfs. Well, she may have kept Bashful. It's always the quiet ones...