Thursday, May 1, 2014

A Big, Steaming Bowl of WHAT?

I love to cook. Basic, exotic, you name it and I’ve probably made it - as long as it doesn’t contain Brussels Sprouts. Sorry, but there is no way to make those suckers taste good. 

If you look in my kitchen, you will find everything from ketchup to coconut milk, goat cheese to kaffir leaves, and just about anything and everything in between. Most of those are staples. Many different cultures have been served up at my table, and the most successful of those attempts become a staple of our diet as well. 

Why am I telling you this? 

Well, Stud and I were trying to find a decent place to meet friends for dinner, and I came across, hands down, the most pretentious menu I have ever seen. By the time I had read a few of the menu items to Stud, I was laughing my ass off. Here’s the very short conversation that ensued:

Me: “I don’t care how close to them this place is. You do realize there’s no way in hell I’m eating there.” 
Stud: “I’ve never loved you more.”

Here are bits of that menu. I challenge anyone reading this to give me a plain english translation.

Let’s start with an appetizer description:

Warthog Wheat with Sprouted Spelt
Sourdough with Nugget Hops and Cranberries

Umm, whaaaaat? I know what everything listed is except for Warthog Wheat. My best guess for the ingredients together is...a bowl of oatmeal? 

Sudbury Pullet Egg
Mousseron Mushrooms, French White Asparagus Soubise,
Mushroom Marmalade, Wild Mustard Leaf, Corn Flour Crouton

Good Lord, even the crouton can’t be just a crouton. Are you ready for an entree?

Handmade Burrata
Australian Wagyu Bresaola, Blood Orange,
Brown Butter Brown Bread, 50-year Sherry Vinegar,
Petit Greens 

I don’t even know where to start. Yes, I know some of them, but I’m scratching my head at the main...meat?  

Roasted Beef Bavette
Spelt Berries, Crème Fraiche, Roasted Treviso,
Carlisle Honey, Pickled Watermelon Rind, Red Wine Jus

Ah, there’s the beef. Well, the word is there, anyway. Ready for cheeses and a dessert?

Flory’s Truckle
Raw Cow’s Milk Cheese, Milton Creamery, Iowa
Candied Nuts, Parsnip Mostarda, Carlisle Wildflower Honey
Toasted Pain d’Epices

Muscat Grape Semifreddo
Toasted Almond Biscotti, Candied Oro Blanco,
50-Year Sherry Vinegar Labne, Sherry Honey

Um, I think these are a cheese plate and a dessert. 

Pretentious much? I’m not saying I don’t appreciate a fancy meal at a fancy restaurant. I just want to be able to read the menu to know what I’m ordering, especially if the prices are every bit as pretentious. 

What do you think? Would you eat there?


Ashlyn Chase said...

Yup, that place is way too sophisticated for my simple taste buds.

Of course, I still think a restaurant with a BDSM menu is a fine idea.

Whalloped potatoes or
Potato Wedgies

Fetish Cheese or
Blue Cheese Balls

Hot buttered buns
Beat salad

Man course:
Tender Loins
Jumbo Meat Balls
Topless Roast Beast

For Lick-her:
Creme de Men,
or Sex on the bitch

And for happy endings,
cocklit cake or
Banana Hammock cream pie

Yes, our dear Dalton, The Sherry, myself and another romance writer friend had a hilarious time coming up with menu items for our fictional place, which we named Oh La La.

Victoria Adams said...

Uh - where's the mac and cheese????

Sherry said...

Ok, Now, First. I think they're looking for last years winner of the 3rd grade spelling bee. Why do I say that, you ask? Well, because they spelled spelled wrong, twice.. (i.e.: spelt) I mean really! Haven't these people heard of proof reading??

Second, talk about overkill.. Wheat, sourdough and Hops.. Can you say GAS? Fabulous restaurant and everyone is belting out "Joyful, joyful, Lord we Adore Thee" from the caverns of the darkest Southern cave of humanness.
Oh wait, but for color lets throw in some cranberries to cure anything else that might show up.

I know what a blood orange is, it's an orange that hung around with the wrong fruit and got the skin beat off of him and now he's just red stuff you can eat and that white crap that's a
P.I.T.A. to get off the orange whether you have long nails or not..You know what i'm sayin'!

The 50 year old Sherry Vinager.. Oops, obviously someone forgot to recork the Sherry, Do ya think they got fired?

Raw cow's milk cheese? Well, I should so! Otherwise we'd any eating steak tartare and since I don't eat any meat raw or even rare.. it would be like that horrible trip to DSW Shoe Store, and we found out about my silent migraines.. Always an adventure..

You asked if we would go to this restaurant? Not just NO, but HELL NO


Mai said...

�� I wouldn't put any of these items in my mouth, I mean really. Are they sure it's for us mere humans?! Wow

Dalton Diaz said...

LOL! Wow, I'd forgotten about that menu!

Dalton Diaz said...

These were only some of the choices from the menu! I kid you not, there was something I couldn't identify in every description.