Monday, September 16, 2013

Cabal Hijack! Meet Gerty & Leven

At an extremely clean house with expensive furniture, a wall of vibrators and dildos in several sizes and colors, Holly Thomas sits between her two men, Cade Kincaid and Hawk Hudson.

Gerty: *looking around* Thanks for inviting us over. Umm. You have quite the collection of... things prominently displayed.

Leven: My penis is able to perform all of those functions and more. Do not fret.

Holly: *looks far too interested* Really…

Gerty: *smacking Leven and then wincing* I know that, I was being polite.

Holly: O.M.G. I’ve never actually met a cyborg before! *gets a shifty look in her eyes* Gerty, would you mind if we saw what Leven is packing? *sits back to avoid losing an eye* Did that come factory made or did you have to upgrade?

Cade: What she means to say is, um *looks at Hawk with a panicked expression*

Hawk: Why don’t you tell us about yourselves? What do you do…exactly?

Gerty: I run a donut shop on the other side of town. Leven is my employee, well, not really because I don't pay him. But he does help me around the shop.

Leven: That is one of her many euphemisms for having me sexually satisfy her. I am programmed in four thousand different ways to get her to org-

Gerty: *slams a hand over Leven's mouth* Enough. I've told you normal humans don't want to know about your settings and programming. *turning back to Holly* He helps me out.

Holly rolls her eyes and sits back with a pout.

Holly: Sure, sure, that’s all wonderful I’m sure, but what about the sex? Is it good? What about the sex and doughnuts? How many can you stack?

Hawk: And how exactly have you managed to avoid being inspected by the health department? *pulls a pack of antibacterial wipes and a notepad which he hands to Cade* Write down the name of this bakery because we’re never going there.

Cade: Do you sell bear claws?

Gerty: *blushing* Um, he's only done the donut trick once and he is always dressed now. The health department did get called in but Leven helped the guy with a relationship 'problem' so he let our mishap slide.

Leven: I prefer being unclothed, but Gertrude does not allow it. Even though it makes pleasuring her easier and makes her pulse race to see my equipment.

Holly: Have you ever thought about franchising? Because if you haven’t, you could totally have a winner on your hands here. As long as he’s naked.

Cade: Holly’s been trying to expand her business portfolio.

Hawk: If you franchise, will you institute a hands washing policy? Germs are every restaurateur’s greatest enemy. That and bad food, but I’ll never know if you have bad food or not because we’re never visiting your bakery.

Holly: But I want a dick doughnut!

Hawk: We’ll make some at home.

Gerty: *sits stunned for a moment*

Leven: Dick donuts would be exceptionally good sellers. That first day I arrived Gertrude sold out in moments after some of the patrons saw how I carried the items. Perhaps it was when I loudly explained about my flavored cum.

Gerty: Oh, God. Please stop talking.

Holly: *sits forward with an intense look on her face* what else can he do? What’s the name of the place you got him from? Tell me everything!

Cade: *slaps a hand over Holly’s mouth* I’m sure you and Leven will be perfectly happy together. What are your plans for the future? Mini-bots making doughnut holes?

Hawk: That’s just disgusting.

Gerty: Right now I'm trying to grow the business, and well, Leven is in counseling. His emotions chip sort of made daily functioning difficult for the first few days.

Holly: Gerty, you and me…drinks when the boys are out. Cade, you and Hawk are bringing Leven out for boys night while Gerty and I uh…talk.

Hawk and Cade look seriously perturbed.

Cade: Um, Leven, what do you…are you crying?

Hawk: Oh my god, mucus!

Cade: We need to teach this dude to rub some dirt on it.

Hawk: Speak for yourself, dirt is…dirty. Leven, here *passes a packet of tissue* wipe your nose before you drip on the sofa and I have to burn it to avoid ever coming into contact with your body fluids.

Holly: He’s not a big fan of body fluids. *evil glare*

Leven: I am sorry. The thought of having beautiful children with Gertrude is so wonderful. *sniffling* And then I remembered that I don't carry actual sperm and the heart break is painful. *sobs rip from his lips*

Gerty: *stand* Come on Leven. I'll take you home and we can cuddle until you feel better.

Leven: *muffled against Gerty's shoulder* Can I make you come while licking you? That will make this feeling easier to deal with.

Gerty: *blushing and whispers* Sure, big guy. *louder to the rest* Thanks for having us over.

Holly: I sure hope you guys come back again soon! Gerty! Call me!

Gerty and Leven are characters you’ll get a rise from in Lea Barrymire’s story from Fondled and Gobbled: Back for More.  And that lusty trio of Holly, Hawk and Cade are from Danica Avet’s story in Fondled and Gobbled: One More Slurp.

You can find out all about Lea Barrymire on her website:
Twitter @LeaBarrymire

And you can find out all about Danica Avet from her website:
Twitter @DanicaAvet

Fondled and Gobbled: Back for More

A bakery owner gets much more than she expected from her discount android’s determination to serve her. A lovelorn stalker does whatever it takes to have the muscle man of her dreams.

Two alien warriors experience the inconveniences and pleasures of being forced into human bodies. A woman has always known she was destined to join the paranormal world of shifters, and tonight all of her dreams—or nightmares—come true.

If you’re looking for the perfect romance with the perfect hero and heroine, this isn’t it! This is a series of spoofs, parodies, just-for-fun lighthearted take-offs. It’s for all us longtime, hard-core romance readers who can laugh at the clich├ęs, purple prose and “suspend your disbelief” plot devices that haunt our beloved favorite genre.

An Exotika® erotica anthology from Ellora’s Cave.


Ashlyn Chase said...

I cannot stand how funny this is! It's on my wishlist, but that's not good enough. I think I'm going to have to go nook book shopping!

Victoria Adams said...

That was beyond hysterical - I'm going to look at the guys who work in donuts shops a lot differently.

Danica Avet said...

I forgot how this interview went. Dick doughnuts indeed.

Lea Barrymire said...

ROFL God, Danica... I totally forgot how this went. LOL

Glad you guys like the interviews! They are a lot of fun to put together.


Dalton Diaz said...

I'll admit, this is one of my faves. ;)