Friday, August 2, 2013

What it Means to be a Southern Lady

I ran across this article Black Belt Living, a small-press magazine that focuses on life in the Black Belt which is a stretch of land going through Central Alabama that's known for having rich, black soil. AKA "where the cotton grows".

The article was too cute not to share. BTW - it's a lot easier to read if you channel your inner Scarlett O'Hara voice.
                                                                          ~ Casey Crow


Hello Dahlings...As you are probableh keenly awayah I'm sitting right now on my back patio havin' my usual Sataday aftanoon Mint Julep. Rory, my dear, devoted husband, is at the country club playin' that awful game we call golf--I declare I don't what gets into that man. Hittin' a little dimpled ball around and chasin' after it, sweatin' profusalayh and smellin' like an old dirtah dawg. Doesn't make a lick of sense.

I'd ratha be right where I am, out in the sun by the swimmin' pool gettin' a little culuh and readin' Faulknah. Sista Mary Sayrah is comin' ova lata for tea, if I'm not too tipsy. Did I say that? Fuhgive me...that's not very ladylike of me. I guess it runs in the familah. You probableh know my distant cousin, Tallulah Bankhead, the actah from up at Jaspah? Let me tell you somethin' dahlings, she was a hot mess, and I do mean a hot one! Well, I've tried to live my life a little bit different than my lovely cousin, dahlings. I only drink fowah cocktails a day, and I'm down to a pinch-a-snuff a week.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, what it means to be a Southun' lady. I've decided ten rules that ladies of Dixie should always adheah to. Would you like to heah them? Of course you would dahling.

Numba wowun. Always, always, always turn youh fanny away from teh crowd when youh excusing yourself in a movie theatuh. You nevah want to show your hindend to innocent bystandahs.

Numba two. Nevah talk about your husand at teh beauty pahlah. Those old hens are doin' nothin' but looking to stir up trouble.

Numba three. Keep two feet on the flowah when you're on the sofa. That means if you're with a gentleman, honey or watching the home shoppin' network.

Numba fowah. Nevah date a man that won't open the cah dowah for you dahling. That means a man isn't raised right. If Rory doesn't open my dowah, well, I just stand there until he does. One time, he got all the way home befowah he realized I wasn't in the cah.

Numba five. Nevah chew bubble gum in church. I always notice who's a-chewin, honey during the pastoral prayah.

Numba six. Wear a girdle.

Numba seven. Always put tannin' lotion on youwah skin, honey. You don't wanna look like a pug when ya fowaty.

Number eight. Don't work if you don't have to. Life's too short, dahling, to be piddlin' around in some office somewheyah.

Number nine. Alway weah tennis skirts that come down past your knees, honey. The ladies these days, merciful heavens, the skirts they weyah would make a sailah blush.

And finally, dahlings, numba ten. Nevah, undah any circumstances, put an earring anywheah on ya face, dahling. Some of these girls look like theah face ran into a tackle box. Lawd.

I'm going to have one moah toddy and then I've got to get my beauty rest befowah high tea then dinnah.

That's all fuh now dahlings. Ta-ta!


3 comments:

Ashlyn Chase said...

Hilarious!
I'd have made a poor Southerner...except I totally agree about the face piercing thing. Nevah, nevah!

Dalton Diaz said...

Yannow, the Boston accent reads similar!

Casey Crow said...

I couldn't pass up not sharing it. I laughed so hard. And, Dalton, I love a Boston accent. My friend from there told me to get into "Bostonian" character I should say "Park the car in Harvard yard" but with no "r's". It works!