Saturday, August 31, 2013

Cabal Hijack! Meet Honey Hickhouse

*Angelique Buttacheeco enters the studio and comes to a halt when she spies the woman she supposed to interview. She’s never seen another woman with breasts as big as her own, and she’s not too sure what to make of that. Sticking her chest out even more and lifting her hand to make sure her hair is as high as possible, she totters over on her five-inch heels. Her darling Rock told her to find out as much as she can about this woman, and she’ll do what he asks, despite knowing all she needs to know about this Holly whatever—like the fact she’s a hick who probably wouldn’t know a quality Hermes knock-off if it fell of the truck and squashed her.*

Angelique: “You’re Longfellow Broadshaft’s girl, right? Broadshaft, like in the brothers who know their way around sausages, right?” *Honey nods, eying Angelique’s boobs. Angelique sits down, crossing her legs to show off her scarlet and lime-green wedges, and signals the cameraman to start rolling.* “Good, so howyudoing?”

Honey: “Well howdy there Angelique! You sure are perty! Why, that outfit’s so spiffy it looks store-bought! Yeah, I’m Honey Hickhouse. Pleased to meet ya.” *Honey hops to her feet and thrusts her hand out to shake when her right boob pops out of her halter top. Honey giggles, tucking it back into her shirt and then reaches back out again to shake with the boob-tucking hand.* “Gosh-darn these titties! Now you don’t pay that boob no mind!” *Pumps Angelique’s hand with gusto. Angelique snatches her hand back and wipes it on the seat of her chair. Honey plops back down on her seat, boobs bouncing.*

Angelique: “You’re very…uh…b—”

Honey: “Bubbly? I get that sometimes.” *Honey nods her head, bouncing her pigtails. Angelique makes a sound that’s supposed to be a snort but is so high-pitched it sounds like a squeal. Honey looks at her funny, then shrugs.*

Angelique: “Uh, I was going to say ‘bouncy’, but I guess you’re bubby too.”

Honey: “Sugar you can call me whatever you want, just don’t call me late for the sack with my fella, Longfeller! Ya see, his skin’s sorta cold, he never sleeps, and I don’t think he has a heartbeat, but that’s got nothing to do with the fact that he’s pretty kinky in a city-boy way. He wanted something from me in bed that he was afraid for ask for, and I thought for sure it was “the butt”, but turns out he just wanted to bite my neck and suck my blood. But I made him do my butt anyway, just to be sure. You know what I mean, right? Right?” *Honey grins and Angelique hesitates, a faraway look in her eyes. Then she snaps to and gives her head a small shake in the negative.*

Angelique: Nope. Nuh-uh. No clue… Anyway, what’s your story?”

Honey: “Oh me? I’m just the best catfish jugger in the county! I’ve got the biggest jugs and everyone wants to get their hands on them, but my Longfeller helps me keep track of them.” *Excited, Honey bounces in her seat and her other boob pops out.* “Sorry ‘bout that! You just go right on ahead with the interview.” *She looks around the studio and yells,* “Does anyone have one of those black bars I can hold up in front of me to cover my titties? They just won’t stay put today!”

Angelique: *shooting daggers at Honey* “Fergitabout the damn boobs, will yah? Tell me about that Broadshaft guy you’ve been doing.”

Honey: “Oh, Longfeller, well he’s real sophisticated-like, and he doesn’t mind it a bit when my titties pop out, so he must be a real gentleman. But he’s a little kinky too, ‘cause he likes to bite my neck and drink my blood sometimes, but that’s not unusual, right?”

*Angelique actually looks a little shocked and nods. Honey frowns, but Angelique pushes ahead with the questions, a new gleam in her eyes. This is some kinky (and interesting) shit.*

Angelique: “Sooo…what else goes on when you do the boinkity-boink?”

Honey: “Oh, he’s the best! When he bites me, I have an orgasm on the spot! Besides, if that’s what shucks his corn, then I say giddy up. I’m a lady but I like to try to be just a little adventurous for my man once in a blue moon. Oooh, that reminds me, I need to pick up another party-size tube of anal lube…” *Honey rummages in the Crown Royal bag she’s carrying as a purse.* “That one I got last month is gone already.”

Angelique: “If you could change one thing, what would it be?”

Honey: “I would buy a bigger bra!” *Honey nods enthusiastically and both boobs fly out. Honey pretends not to notice. Angelique rolls her eyes and contemplates pulling down her spandex top to show the little hootchie what a real set of honest-to-God silicone tits looks like.*

Angelique: “Oh, you mean actually buy a bra?? Anyway, Roc… I mean the TV producer…said you had a story to tell me. Give me the short version, will yah? I have a plane to catch back to New Gu…I mean Denver…yeah, Denver.”

Honey: “My story is about whether or not a centuries-old city vampire and a honky-tonk country honey can accept each other’s unusual sexual needs. Now that sounds fun, don’t it?”

Honey Hickhouse is the congenial hick from Piper Trace’s story in the Fondled and Gobbled: Messier than Ever. And Angelique Buttacheeco is from Anya Richard’s gunshooting story in the just released, Fondled and Gobbled: One More Slurp.

You can find out all about Piper from her website:
Twitter @PiperTrace

And you can find out all about Anya Richards from her website:
Twitter @AnyaRwrites

Fondled and Gobbled: Messier than Ever

His plan was to find a mate to give him offspring, not to bear the children himself! Can a centuries-old city vampire and a honky-tonk country honey accept each other’s unusual sexual needs? The perfect dream lover is definitely too good to be true, especially when you’ve been drinking in an Irish pub. What’s a male erotic dancer actually thinking during that lap dance?

If you’re looking for the perfect romance with the perfect hero and heroine, this isn’t it! This is a series of spoofs, parodies, just-for-fun lighthearted take-offs. It’s for all us longtime, hard-core romance readers who can laugh at the clichés, purple prose and “suspend your disbelief” plot devices that haunt our beloved favorite genre.

An Exotika® erotica anthology from Ellora’s Cave


Ashlyn Chase said...

Okay...I'm hooked!
Favorite line of the day:
*She looks around the studio and yells,* “Does anyone have one of those black bars I can hold up in front of me to cover my titties?"


Piper Trace said...

Ha! Ashlyn, glad you liked it! Honey ain't all there, is she? But she makes up for it in enthusiasm and boobs. I don't think anyone could have a bad day with Honey around. :-D

Dalton Diaz said...

Ash, if you say one word about that reminding you of someone you know...

Ashlyn Chase said...

Hmmm...I don't know what you're talking about, DD.