While I could say it’s all in the name and call it a post, there is actually more to a 20+ year marriage than earning the nickname “Stud” Muffin. Truth is, I didn’t give him the nickname, anyway. The Sherry did, after an incident she labeled a menage of sorts. (Stud and I were in our bed with our respective computers while I talked to The Sherry on her computer - while she was in her own bed in another town.)
I’m not even talking about all of the big things that are taken into stride because failing each other is not an option. Like my mom living with us with end stage Alzheimer’s. That, too, would be enough to call it a post and catch you again in two weeks.
What I’m talking about is what happened in bed last night.
Seriously? Admit it, your mind went there for a second (longer, for most of you! After all, you are reading a post on Naughty Author Chicks...) Hate to disappoint you, but I’m not talking about sex, either. Let me tell the story and you’ll understand.
I finally fell asleep at about 1am, only to become vaguely aware that I felt something funny along my side. I came awake enough rub at it a couple of times thru my T-shirt, but it didn’t stop. I came fully awake and rolled out of bed and looked at the clock, 3am. That’s when I noticed a couple of strange brown marks on the bed where I’d just been, so I leaned down for a closer look. They were legs. Insect legs. And they weren’t small.
Oh yeah. I panicked. Big time. I cried Stud’s real name in a tone that instantly brought him out of a deep sleep and rushing to my side. Major points scored right there. Meanwhile, I whipped off my shirt and started doing the heebie-jeebie dance in my undies while trying to spit out the problem.
Me: “L-legs. Felt something on me...legs on bed...insect legs…big legs!”
Stud: “Ok, ok. Turn toward me.”
(Shaking, holding hair out, still jumping around to get the 100 bugs I now feel crawling all over me. Because, WHERE THE HELL WAS THE REST OF BUGZILLA?)
Stud starts flipping back covers, searching all over when he doesn’t find anything on me. I’m not so convinced because at this point I’m covered by 1000 of whatever is missing those legs.
Then I glance down, slightly under the bed. There it is, a monstrous, now four-legged, 8-inch insect that’s actually about 1/2 inch long.
Me: “There it is!”
Stud looks where I’m pointing in terror and takes care of it. He says it’s a stink bug, but I know it’s really some kind of weird spawn of two creepy crawly deadly insects sent from another planet to lay eggs in my ear and—
Okay, so there we are, me in my undies and Stud, thinking we’re all clear after dispatching the insect back to its planet of origin, climbs back into bed. I shudder, I shake, I go into the bathroom to grab a tissue and come back to make sure the legs catch up to the rest of the spawn, only to discover that Stud thought it was a good idea to simply swipe them off the bed so I’ll get back in it. Yeah, right.
I start making gagging noises. Am I overreacting? Yep. I’ve also wiped about 10 imaginary bugs off of me just from writing this blog. In my defense, I have earned my fear. You’ll have to trust me on that one.
Me: “I really wish you hadn’t done that.”
Stud: (For the first time, looking every bit as fearful as me.) “Oops.”
Me: “You know I’m not going to sleep tonight, right?”
Visions of weird spawn bugs able to regenerate run through my head. I start doing the heebie-jeebie dance again because apparently feeling 10,000 bugs crawling on you doesn’t disappear right away.
And here it comes. The Keeper moment above and beyond snapping awake from a dead sleep from a tone in my voice, jumping out of bed at 3am to rescue me from whatever ails me, and not treating me like an insane person when it turns out to be a stink bug, even though he has to be up for work in two hours...
Stud: “You know, you’re pretty sexy when you jump out of bed in your undies and dance like that.”
And this is why I love this man. Sorry, ladies, he’s my Keeper!