Thursday, March 21, 2013

Is There Something In My Teeth?

If you are ever sitting next to me, happen to be female, and I know your name, chances are good that I will ask you this question.

My name is Dalton Diaz, and I have a quirk. Yes, I said a quirk. I don’t care if you know me and can list five other quirks - this is the one we’re focusing on here.

There is a reason for my obsessive madness. First of all, it’s gross to go around smiling and socializing with some big old chunk of food in your teeth. I know, because this happened to me a gazillion years ago, during my dating days before I even met Stud. Since we’ve been married for almost 21 years, that makes it longer ago than I can count. Especially if my math challenges happen to get worse when it comes to my age...

Anyhoo, back to my one quirk.

Here’s the scenario: I went on a couple of dates with a guy who was nice, but it just wasn’t going to work out. Instead of going out to lunch again, I suggested just getting hot dogs off the truck outside my office building. While we ate, I kindly gave him his walking papers with a big, “Let’s be friends” smile.

Yep. I got back in the building and looked in the bathroom mirror. There it was, a big black chunk of Karma-is-a-bitch sitting right between my two front teeth. Most people would laugh it off because really, what difference did it make? We weren’t right for each other, and I never did lay eyes on him again. But nooooooo...I was scarred for life.

Here's what the world sees:

 Here's what I think they see:

I keep a compact in my purse. And OMG, I love that the iPhone camera reverses! How much do you want to bet that was invented by a woman who wanted to check her hair, teeth or makeup? Actually, their beleaguered partner could have invented it, too. Think about poor Stud for a moment. Most women would love for their spouse to become a bit far-sighted as nature takes its toll. Me? Um...they make glasses for that, right? I mean, there are reading glasses, driving glasses, etc. Why can’t there be teeth-checking glasses?

I’m just sayin'.


Ashlyn Chase said...

LOL! Yup, I've had to check for you.

What I can't stand is finding my mascara under my eyes instead of on my eyelashes. I look like a racoon. And do you think Mr. Amazing would tell me? No. I see it after we get home, groan, and ask why he didn't say anything. He says, "I didn't notice." Amazing. Truly...amazing.

Afton Locke said...

Hilarious! I'll have to try that with my phone. I also find that just putting mascara and eyeliner on my top lids prevents a lot of racoon mess.

Jesse Hayworth said...

Wait, wait! You forgot the part about how when you've known the person a while, it develops into this shorthand of turning to them with a huge smile. Because I'm slow on the uptake, can't tell you the number of times I've gone 'Uh, oh. Who's coming up behind me??? ... Oh, right. Teeth!" LOL. Great post!

Victoria Adams said...

fun post.

Dalton Diaz said...

Teeth? (VBG) Good? Go! Yep, you guys know me all right. Except that one time I got a surprise award and no one wanted to tell me to quick stuffing salad greens into my mouth because they couldn't tell me why. I still have nightmares about having to go up to the podium to accept, and it wasn't about not getting to prepare a speech!

Naima Simone said...

This is so hilarious! For years I used my sister to check my nose and teeth. And we have this hand gesture thing that lets the other know we need a quick scan. LOL! After a few years I included my husband in on it, but HECK YEAH!! That reverse camera on the Iphone! Whoo-hoo! And i discovered it by accident but now it's like the best thing EVA!!

I love this post!!