Thursday, February 24, 2011

Why Dunkin' Donuts Should Serve Soy

Dalton here. I had quite an adventure with my friend, Sherry, who happens to be the moderator of Ashlyn Chase’s group site, ashlynsnewbestfriends@yahoogroups.com
Figured you might enjoy a snippet. You can’t make this stuff up when traveling anywhere with Sherry. Hell, you don’t have to! You’ll see what I mean.
***
Sherry: So, I woke up with a strange man in my bed 2 nights ago. Bet that got your attention. Huh?? Ok, I Had an infusion at Brigham & Woman’s and couldn't get the Ride to pick me up. Dalton had offered to give me a ride to B&W so I decided to take her up on it. She did some rearranging and finally decided that coming to my apartment Wed night and picking me up, me staying at her house with her boys, P & J and Her and Stud would be the easiest thing. She was coming to pick up her oldest son R, Thurs AM, so we got to visit a little and then she would have company for that long boring trip into Boston. Who would have thought that my having an infusion would lead to me waking up with a strange man in my bed. It was crazy.
***

Dalton:
OMG! Sherry Decipher #1:
I was 1/2way to Sherry's house with P already, so we figured it would be easier to swing by and pick her up after P's baseball lesson and have her spend the night rather than try to battle worse traffic into Boston in the morning. My eldest, R, was flying in and I had to pick him up from the airport, which was perfect timing to drop Sherry off for her infusion. Besides, that way I got her for the night, too.
And it was only technically 1/2 a man in bed with her. There, that clears things up, doesn't it?
***
Sherry: Ok, what do you mean R is the eldest. He's the Oldest. Nobody but some kind of anal retentive writer type would correct me. OH and don't think I didn't notice. Geez, isn't that just like a writer to come in and critique a damn story that happened to me? Anyway, more about me. She comes and picks me up and P, God love him... he is wonderful and sweet. I love him to pieces, but damn if he isn't 16. I have to bring my walker, which has to go in her trunk. Oh did I mention I now have 2 braces. Left and Right leg. OH yea. Makes a HUGE difference in my walking. No really. Really. I swear.
***
Dalton:
Decipher #2:
You calling ME anal retentive? Really? I...yeah, ok.
P has a problem. He can't find anything, can't figure out how the walker can fit into the trunk. Why? Because when it comes down to it, he doesn't want to take the time to find anything, or figure it out. We let him struggle for a bit trying to get the walker into the trunk, because it was fun, then we pointed out how lazy he was being, because that was fun, too. Then P tried to play all smart with the numbers/math thing on the way home because he knows I'm not smarter than a 1st grader on the math thing. But he fell silent pretty quickly and we didn't hear much from the back seat by the time we hit the hwy. I mean, really, what do you say when you're trying to expound on Newton's Law of Gravity and the ladies in the front want to know why, if Newton was so smart, he didn't just get out of the way so the apple didn't hit him?
The braces are great, but she still has trouble on inclines. More on that later.
***
Sherry: It's true, but P had just gotten done with baseball practice so I brought him down a vitamin water before we started picking on him for his lack of moving ability. In case you’re wondering it was berry flavor. And yes, she is right. P was spouting off about the Law of Gravity and such and then.
Yes, the man I slept with was Simba, that little 6.5 lbs of trembling almost hairless toy poodle. You know she warned me that maybe he might come and visit me but that little snot booger, went and laid down on DD's mom's bed. Oh, did she mention that I slept downstairs in her mom's apartment?
***

Dalton:
No decipher necessary, just a couple of details.
P loved the vitamin water. Was drinking it last night, too. I think it makes him feel VIP.
Simba trembles when the wind blows. It scares him. I have the most submissive Toy Poodle on the face of the earth. Yet, he's still stubborn. Stud calls him a cat in a dog body. He hates cats.
Oh, and mom is away right now, and Sherry slept on her pullout couch.
***
Sherry: Ok, so, we are finally at DD's house and to give P a break, I tell him to just leave my walker in the trunk. The look of relief on his face was hysterical. Couldn't have asked for anything funnier until she tells him to let me first up the stairs, because in DD's words, that way I would fall on P and he would catch me. P's eyebrows went all the way to his hairline as if to say. "MOM, do you remember all the concussions I've had?" and DD glared at him with an unspoken reply that said, "And I care, because?" So, we go in the house and Stud and J are watching American Idol. I hug J, and then I finally hug P. Then Stud. Popcorn is made. I get a whole bowl and the twins get a bowl to share. I keep offering them some of mine but they keep saying no. I finally finished with mine and offered it to the boys and they fell on it like a pack of coyotes that hadn't eaten in 4 days. I'd forgotten about teenage hunger.
***
Dalton:
Yup, we're Idol-ites. I did warn her about the popcorn. I kept saying the vultures were biding their time, being polite. Sure enough, the second she said she was done, it was a giant swoop that lasted all of 5 seconds. Then we sent the boys to bed and made her watch Modern Family, Stud's favorite. We kept having to hit pause and replay because it makes him laugh so hard. *cue gasp*
She hugged J longest of all and told him he was handsome. He's the one in the rock band with longer hair. P, Mr. Baseball Buzzcut, was crushed. Then he got out the vitamin water and felt all VIP over J and all was well.
Oh, and Sherry didn't mention that she gave me her tone-up shoes. 'Cuz, you know, she brought them in to ask the Dr. if she could wear them, and he barely refrained from asking her if she's effin' crazy. Which reminds me, we need to band together at Romanticon and steal and hide her hooker shoes again this year.
Anyway, carry on...
***
Sherry: Yes, we did watch "Modern Family" and I'm telling you, Stud almost falls off the couch laughing. DD hits pause, then rewind, cuz he has laughed so hard and so loud that she can't hear it.Then she hits play again only to send him into gales of laughter again. It is awesome. Next time I go on a Wednesday night, I'm bringing a box of Puffs Plus so that poor Stud doesn't have to pick up Simba and wipes his eyes on the poor little mutt. Oh, and Simba is 6.5 pounds soaking wet and I have overfed him, but more on that later.
***
Dalton:
Sherry translation #3:
We watched tv and went to bed.
Exciting, huh? It's when Sherry’s eyes are open, mouth engaged that she runs into trouble. Um, yeah, come to think of it, I do mean it THAT way, too.
So where were we? The next morning.
We have to leave the house by 8:45, which means mega amounts of coffee to make sure I'm functional by then, which btw, would apply even if we had to leave at 10am.
I throw on some jammy pants (cuz really, who wants to see THAT first thing in the morning), and trot down the stairs to make sure Sherry is up and running. I find her at the coffeemaker, trying to mop up the waterfall she's created because, um, I had already filled it and set it to go on auto like 5 min. from when she got her hands on it. Oh, wait, on my way into the kitchen, I find Simba jumping around desperately by the front door like he's gotta go. I let him out, then hit the waterfall.
It's not bad, especially since it's only water and holy hell, someone in my house made a mess and was actually attempting to clean it up. What a nice change!
I let fuzzball back in, who does seem inordinately happy that morning, and that's when Sherry says, "Oh gee, I already let him out once. Fed him, too." Fed him? Ruh-oh. Simba is 6.5 # with a heart condition and a food fetish. Left to his own devices, Simba will eat and eat and eat. We once left him with a friend for one week, and when we came back, he literally waddled into the room looking like a stuffed tick.
So I tell Sherry he gets 1/4 cup 2x a day, and she gets a look on her face that tells me creating a waterfall in my kitchen is going to be the good thing of the day, and she bolts back down the stairs - which was scary in itself. Let's just say Simba couldn't even eat all of it, and he's still going to the bathroom every few hours today. Did I mention he eats WD, which is a weight control food? Most of what goes in goes right back out.
So now I have a waterfall in my kitchen and a walkway full of shit, and it's time to go...
***
Sherry: Do you see what happens when you try and do someone a favor?? NO appreciation!! NONE!! That freaking dog climbs up into bed with me in the middle of the night, shaking like a leaf cuz DD insists on shaving him bald, and all because she has unmanned him. I know this because he screamed like a girl when I picked him up to move him from under my ass. Why was he under my ass you ask? Well, because when that little bald (*&^** cat in a dog suit crawled up and begged me to keep him warm, he decided that under my butt would be the best place to do just that. Not so comfortable for me. So I pick him/her up and he/she screams, my ears started to bleed and I told him he would be fine. I brought him around in front of me and tried to sleep. It took about 10 min. for that scrawny thing to stop shaking from fear/cold. Of course me being the loving giving caring sweet, person that I am, I pull him under the covers with me and let him get warm. He finally stopped shivering and fell asleep. Well, that's one of us. That damn dog, every time I would start to fall asleep, he would start to move around and wake me up again. Obviously, I was making him uncomfortable in the position he was in. Damn Dog... So, my alarm goes off at 6 am, for my first dose of meds of the day. Too bad I was already awake. I was in the shower and Syco (aka Psycho Dog) had already been let out and then let in the downstairs door. I get out of the shower and I start calling Syco. Hmmm, nuthin. He doesn't answer. He is on DD's mom's bed. I know because I was worried about the damn thing and went looking for him. I was afraid that maybe something ate him. What could have ate him? Well, DD and Stud do have 2 guinea pigs, and if push comes to shove, they would win. Trust me. So, I see 2 bags of food on the floor next to the door to go upstairs. And 2 bowls. 1 has water in it and the other is empty so, like any logical person, I think, hmmm. He is a small dog. He would be a dog that will have an on/off switch not like the werewolves I had met during the popcorn incident last night. I won't mention any initials (P and J). Apparently NOT. Like all of the males in the house under 50 there is only the off and the hoover switch. So, pig dog and I went upstairs and I turned on the coffee pot. I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. And NOTHING. So much for putting anything in the damn coffee pot. Apparently she put the coffee in but no water. So I add water, only to have it pour out everywhere. OMG! What the hell...of course, I would clean it up. I'm an adult. Geez. So she comes downstairs, lets the pig dog out. I inform her that the pig dog went out and that I had fed it too. That's when I find out I have probably just killed the damn thing. It has a heart condition. Oh no no no. I mean hell, running over my own pekingese 2ce was bad, but damn. Killing DD's dog from overfeeding. CRAP. And I knew she was so going to tell on me.
***
Dalton:
All of this is because you don't LISTEN to me! I told you my kids were being polite and they would attack the popcorn when you were done, but you didn't listen and you didn't snag your fingers back in time. I told you Simba is a pathetic excuse for a dog, so submissive his nickname is Emo, but no, you have to tuck him in like you're trying to protect him and warm him up when the problem isn't that he's cold. You should also send a prayer of thanks that there wasn't a storm outside. He wouldn't have just been UNDER your ass.
So here's where it gets even better, because it truly is always an adventure. We managed to avoid the pig dog bombs and actually hit the road on time. This means we can stop at Starbucks. We take Rte 9 into the city because the place is easier to get to going that way.
We hit the final approach to caffeine mecca. I ask Sherry what she wants. She says a camel something. I inform her they don't serve camels at Starbucks. She says, "No, no, a camel Macchiato something, you know, cah-mel, CAH-MEL." Um, ok, is that the whole camel or just the toe, macchiato? What size? She doesn't know because they don't do small, medium, large. She won't give me an answer. So we have an order for a beast of burden, any size. Hmmm. Yeah, she's got her freakin' braces, she's going in with me. I turned in to the Starbucks and it was even worse than the usual parking hell, but there's an open handicapped spot and Sherry has her placard, and like I said, she was going in. By the time I'm out of the car and around the back to help Sherry, she's lilting down the incline 1/2way to Rte 9. Oy!
***
Sherry: Ok, so everyone knows how I feel about Starbucks. Of course, she has to have that no soy shit. Oops, I mean,uhm, verdi, vendi goochi, moacha with soy latta. So I get my caramel not hard to say for real people but obviously people from that state over on the other side of the country. You know, the one with all the movie stars. Ok, so, anyway, we pull into a parking lot that has the parking spaces angled so that more cars can park. I have the gimp sticker so we hang it up in the front window and she gets out and I get out. She heads across the very small parking lot and so I follow. ONLY it was on a downward slant. Remember my problem with downward slants? We go in and I get my medium caramel macchiato with extra caramel. Then we go out and DD makes sure I don't go out into the highway. Dalton gets me into the car and she goes around the other side, that being the drivers side of the car, only to find that some genius ( I use this description loosely) has parked her (yes, her) van less than 12 inches from the side of DD’s door. Now, this makes it difficult for DD to squeeze in between the cars. (Picture this, double D is her name for a reason. Hello people, her boobs. She is a Double D) OK, so the door opens about 6 inches. Good, good you’re getting a visual.
***
Dalton:
So it actually was my butt that wouldn't fit. The DD's are still at a high enough level to clear the space, though that's only thanks to the over the shoulder boulder holder.
I couldn't squeeze my ass in. Sherry was already in the car, so I wasn't going to risk her listing back onto Rte 9 by having her get out so I could climb over the console. This is not a big car, btw. It's a Camry. I couldn't climb over from the back because I doubt my ass would fit there, either. I wasn't about to spill my hard earned Venti Soy Latte, and remember, there's no room to climb anywhere with Sherry’s camel in the car.
I was also pissed. This Honda minivan with a carseat was way over the line into a handicapped spot, which was clearly being used, for her own convenience. Worse, Sherry was pissed and opening her door. I told her to stay put and went into the Starbucks. There was one woman standing at the counter waiting for her order who had a kid. I asked her if she drove a Honda minivan and she said yes. So I said, very loudly and NOT sweetly, "You've parked so far over into the handicapped spot that I can't get into my car." Now everyone in there had seen me and Sherry and remembered us, being that we always make complete spectacles of ourselves (Sherry was quite enamored of the young man who took our order). The woman turned red and was mortified. She stammered an apology.
SHE INSISTED ON WAITING FOR HER COFFEE!
Great example to set for your 3 yr old kid, lady. The whole place was glaring at her by then. I can only hope Karma is as big a bitch.
So I came out and made a big mistake. I was so pissed off that I told Sherry, figuring I was a safe distance 'cuz, you know, I couldn't get in the car with her. The car started to vibrate. Really bad words started to permeate the parking lot, and I think I saw the camel cross himself.
Meanwhile, some SUV pulls in and can't find a spot. She pulls up to the right of us into a non parking spot space (walkway) just to get out of the way. More cars are trying to turn into the Starbucks, but there's nowhere for them to go. The damn idiots have snow piled to the point where the entrance/exit from rte 9 is only wide enough for one car, and for some reason they have blocked the back way out! Cars turn in only to find there's nowhere to park, turn around, or get out. SUV woman says, "This is ridiculous," gets out of her car and runs to the entrance of Starbucks. I ignore her because minivan bitch has come out of the door and is headed for her car, head down, making sure her coffee is safe. Er, her kid. Yeah, I meant her kid.
I kid you not, at that point I think my car started to levitate. Sherry was screaming at her, which was only slightly muted by my tightly sealed car and probably still would have been heard had said car been underwater. Minivan bitch probably never moved so fast in her life. I was trying not to laugh as I held on to the lock button on my keychain in case I heard the telltale swish of Sherry trying to get out of my car to get at her.
Minivan bitch finally pulls out and I'm able to get into my car, happy to note that she is now stuck at the back of the short lot, unable to get out. A car pulls into her vacated spot. I have the opportunity to leave minivan bitch and her coffee idling where they are by pulling out of my spot. Only I can't. SUV bitch is not back out yet, and because of the angle of the parking lot, I can't back out because she parked in a non-spot.
WTF? Really? Now I'm cursing, pure steam is coming out of Sherry's ears, and the camel died of a heart attack. SUV bitch comes out, yapping on her cell phone, and gets in her car, completely oblivious to the total bottleneck she has created. I take a chance and roll down Sherry's window to get her attention. I think the ripe profanity and stench of dead camel did the trick. This woman got a look of pure fear on her face and she backed out of the spot and kept backing out onto rte 9! Holy shit! That's like closing your eyes and hoping for the best as you get on a highway!
I quickly backed out before minivan bitch could move forward. Her kid might be 10 by the time she gets out of that parking lot.
See? Always an adventure. BTW, anyone know where to bury a dead camel?
***
Sherry: Like I said, those damn Valley Girls can't say caramel. I did point out to her that just a mile down the road was a Dunkin Donuts with an incredibly large parking lot. When I innocently mentioned that I didn't think we would run into that kind of problem at a Dunkin Donuts I think DD thought about strangulation being considered under the justifiable homicide defense. I did tell her that chocolate glazed donuts were my favorite. That's when she reminded me, rather rudely I might add "Stud fed you" and it's true, he did. If you remember back to the beginning of the morning she left out 1 important thing. Stud made me breakfast. Apparently he is the breakfast guy.
***
Dalton:
Again, not listening to me. Dunkin' Donuts coffee sucks. It's always old, and they don't have soy. Not only that, they treat you like crap when you ask. I also have said, on many occasions, that I don't do mornings. That would include breakfast. I have, however, made an egg-white omelet for Ashlyn Chase. She wore a nightie and showed me her tattoo. You tried to smother my dog with your ass, and when that didn't work, blow him up.
***
Sherry: As you can tell in this little drama, I'm the voice of reason. It seems in all my little adventures, I keep my head while those around me are losing theirs. I just don't understand how these things keep happening to me.
***
Dalton:
Uh-huh.
I quote Sherry: "Are you kidding me? Are you 'effin' KIDDING ME? LADY, ARE YOU EFFIN' KIDDING ME?"
End quote.
***
Sherry: Are you thinking that the adventure is finished just because DD has dropped me off. Oh, silly you. Of course it's not. Well, as she said, she dropped me off at B&W, took my walker OUT of the trunk, we hugged and she said "PROMISE TO CALL ME WHEN YOU FIND OUT FROM THE RIDE ABOUT YOUR RETURN TRIP" I said ok. Now, I go upstairs to the MS infusion room, but before that I have to check in with nurse Rachett. Actually she is just the receptionist but man, she is MEAN looking. NO SMILES, NO FRIENDLY HELLO, NUTHIN. Jesus, lady people are coming here for infusions of ugly ass chemicals that make them sick. How's about just a little twinkle in your eye to let me know you have a heart beat? Want to hear about my adventure at Spendyourbucks. it was great. Double D. yes ma'am that's her, uhm, bodacious tata's. Well, never mind. What? You think I'm what? A pervert. Oh hell, lady, if you think that's bad wait till I tell you about the dog trying to crawl up my ass last night.
***
Dalton:
Hmmm. Yet, I get a phone call saying "No worries, I'm all set."
Girl, I'm going to drive out there, load you up in the car, take you to Starbucks and make you sit there for two hours with a prop laptop made with cardboard and crayons. Then I'm going to take you back and find your handyman and tell him you have the hots for him.
***
Sherry: Don't get me started on Spendyourbuck. you know how I hate them. but don't worry. I've got a call into the President of Dunkin's and his secretary/girlfriend said he would call me tomorrow. I'm going to suggest that they put soy on to the menu just for our Double D. Cuz I love her best.
***
Dalton here, normal time. Oh God. Thing is, I’ll bet she truly made that call. And that, folks, truly is the end of the adventure. Well, the condensed version, anyway. You can see the whole thing as it unfolded (& the comments) on www.ashlynsnewbestfriends@yahoogroups.com If you're not a member, you can join through www.AshlynChase.com

Moral of the story? Again with the morals? If you want morals, what are you doing on an erotic site? Wait, I have one for you:

Despite what their patrons think, Starbucks does NOT have a higher class of people.
And Dunkin’ Donuts should serve soy.

15 comments:

Donna said...

What a scream and no surprise at all. So are you ready for a visit from your other friend who requires a leash in March?

Amber Skyze said...

I've met Sherry. You really can't make this stuff up! But I love her!

Enjoyed the story DD

Christine H said...

LOL. I'm so happy I got to hear that story. lol You two are so funny together!! Thanks for sharing your adventure!! I wish I was there for that too. Sounds like a blast!! lol :)

Love yas, Christine

Dalton Diaz said...

Oh God, Donna, you're not bringing humongous psycho dog, are you? She already tried to eat me.

Dalton Diaz said...

Amber and Christine, yes, you do know our Sherry! No ringing boobs this time, tho.

Donna said...

Dalton,

No psycho dog and she's better about trying to eat people. I wish I could've seen Sherry in action with parking stupid people. She was a riot at lunch. Maybe you could take the 2 of us on a field trip some time. LOL

Dalton Diaz said...

Donna,
You, me, Sherry...the lying gps...I'm scared.

Maggie Nash said...

ROFLMAO...that's even funnier the second time! Love your dog DD! Mine is the same only black!

Dalton Diaz said...

You inspired us to post it, Maggie!

Mai said...

Hahahaha the story was better the 2nd time round. I love you ladies, this story kept me entertained the whole freaking weekend :D

Ooohhh yes, Donna demands a trip with Sherry, the GPS, and DD...I can't wait :D

Dalton Diaz said...

Thanks, Mai! Oh yeah, that would be one insane trip.

Maggie Nash said...

Aww....shucks, thanks DD. It's a great story told by a pair of wonderful raconteurs :-)

Ashlyn Chase said...

Thanks for inviting people to our yahoo group!

This is just a taste of the crazy things that go on there, folks.

Consider yourselves invited to join the fun!

lisagk said...

What a hoot, could not stop laughing. Do you know how strangely people with no sense of humor look at you when you are giggling at your laptop? And that's my family. Oh well I know fun when I hear it.

Dalton Diaz said...

Lisa. You should see how people look at you while you're living this stuff! Most people would be running for the hills. Me and Sherry? We're wondering when we can get together again. Be afraid. Be very afraid.