Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Lying GPS


I know I'm not imagining it. The thing flat out lies. I kid you not, yesterday it told me to get in the right lane and turn right, but the arrow clearly pointed left. I may have trouble with North, South, East and West, but I do know right from left.

Another time, I was doing one of my mad dashes to the hospital with breaky-boy (I believe it was the baseball to the eye), and the damn thing (aka the Lying GPS, or, LGPS for short) told me I was on a completely different highway. And no, it wasn't one of those double or triple-named highways in New England.

The LGPS lies about everything, in multiple accents and languages. I can forgive a lot if it's programmed to Australian guy, but all bets are off even for him if he lies about a Starbucks location. Plus, my real life Stud (thank you, Sherry, for the nickname which has now stuck) hates it when I mess with the accents.

After a couple of years of this, I know the LGPS does it on purpose. It plans its strategies while dormant, yet somehow not really turned off. One of the ways I know this is that it stopped taking me anywhere by going the same way there and back.

You know how else I know? If I ask it to take me to the happiest place on earth, it would take me to my MIL's. Asking it to take me to a bakery would have me pulling up to Weight Watchers, Curves, or Jenny Craig.

More than likely, though, it would simply take me in circles like the time I tried to take kid #3 to see a specialist in Boston. TLG was in rare form, putting me on a toll connector not once, not twice, but three times from three different directions. Each approach took about fifteen minutes, and it wasn't a cheap toll. We missed the appointment, and the LGPS is lucky I didn't "recalculate" its ass under my wheel.

I'm going to eventually win this battle. The LGPS may divert me a time or two or twenty, but I will be victorious.

Gotta go. I told the LGPS to go to Hell. Guess where it took me?

14 comments:

Wynter Daniels said...

My GPS merely gives me wrong directions. Sounds like yours is possessed!

Chudney Thomas said...

lol. I've never personally experienced this but I know someone who has, but I always thought it was because she programmed her GPS persona as villains, for a while it was Darth Vader.

Michelle Polaris said...

Don't worry. If you have to go to war with it, I'm in your corner. Hilarious!

Dalton Diaz said...

Thank you, Wynter. Yes, it is.

Chudney, I know someone who named it after his MIL because it tells him what to do and where to go. Love the Darth option! Maybe I got one of those as a refurbished unit and wasn't told?? Pure evil, I tell you.

Dalton Diaz said...

Michelle, I'm going to hold you to that. We'll win for sure!

V. J. Devereaux aka Valerie Douglas said...

I programmed mine with a sexy Irish male accent, now I love being told where to go...and how to get there. I don't even mind getting lost. *grins*

As I can't tell my right from my left (it's a learning disability, I can't braid my hair or tie a bow behind my back because I don't know which hand is which) I sort of have to go with the flow.

To give you an idea how bad it is, my ex-husband was going to put R and L on either side of my steering wheel, so I'd know which was which. I thought it was such a good idea that I asked why we couldn't put N, S, E and W there too....

Christine H said...

Wow, I feel for you thats sounds awful!! Where I live, In a small town I don't know anyone with a GPS. Sounds like we are the lucky ones too. The way it sounds I hope I never need one!!

Hope you win your fight!!

Good luck!!

Katie Reus said...

Haaa! That's so funny! My sister has one and her hubby programmed it to a female British voice and it's so sexy. I'd like to eventually get one but maybe I'll hold off. I don't want some crazy machine trying to take over the world (or my sanity) ;)

Dalton Diaz said...

LOL, VJ. I claim that mine is from moving to the opposite coast, but the truth is, I had no sense of direction on the west coast, either!

Dalton Diaz said...

Katie, just don't get an evil one.

Christine, don't worry. I'll win. It may mean accidentally dropping it out the window and accidentally running it over...you know, all accidental like, but I will win.

Bookdragon3 said...

All I can say is, "Thank you, Dad, for teaching me to read a map and plan a route back when I was a kid."

Accent or no accent, this thing would have been returned the first time it screwed around with my directions.

Kristal Lee said...

Dalton,
Sorry about your LGPS, but what a hilarious post. Ours always wants to take us in the opposite direction of our destination so that we can do a whopper U-turn.

Dalton Diaz said...

Bookdragon3, yeah, maps and I tried each other and had to part ways. It's all about the NSWE thing, and I'm merely a left or right. I can map a story, tho. Does that count?

Dalton Diaz said...

Kristal,

"Recalculating."