Thursday, May 6, 2010
C'mere, you weary bastard.
by Cara McKenna
So a few weeks ago Naima was giving me good-natured flak about my supposedly odd favorite sexy body part, the tired eye. Personally, I can't understand how this isn't everybody's favorite feature. If you don't follow what I'm talking about, let's illustrate using Exhibit Blam! This photo of old George Clooney contains all three of the primary elements of a successful tired eye: the dark circle, the squinch, and the scrunch.
The squinch is perhaps the most important element—that little pouchy roll below the subject's tired eye. If you were here as I write this, you'd be alarmed by how loudly and whistfully I just sighed from the mere thought of it. The scrunch (also known as crows' feet) is harder to come by on younger men, but it rounds out the look. The dark circle is optional—icing on the tasty cake of exhaustion. Also note Georgie's bonus facial hair, complete with grays, denoting a manful lapse in grooming.
Uh, why? I hear you asking. Well, I love an exhausted man…and not necessarily because he just rolled off of me panting after a marathon of hot sexxoring. He could be doing all manner of equally manly and productive activities, such as chopping and stacking wood, hunting my lunch, battling his way through the wilderness for a week just to tell me I smell nice, or fighting for my honor in a whiskey-fueled bar brawl. I'm not choosy.
Side note, I'm a sucker for a man with a black eye. Any bruises, really. No clue what this says about me, don't really care, just send your tired, battered men my way. I'll hold steaks to their injured parts and towel their weary brows, whisper soothing, breathy words of sympathy in their ears.
Okay, quiz time! Can anyone identify any of these famous men by their weary-ass eyes alone? A few are easy, a few tougher, a few pretty damn obscure, depending on where you're from. And just to be a bitch, I made them all grayscale. If you think you know some, feel free to leave your guesses in the comments. Just put the corresponding letters of the pictures you think you know, and the celebrity's name. I was going to make it a contest and send a free copy of my upcoming erotic novella, Ruin Me, to the person who ends up scoring the highest…then I realized they could just steal answers from earlier commenters. Instead, if people want to comment with a link to an exemplary image of weary-eyed manfulness (famous or otherwise), I'll give the prize to whoever points me toward the best specimen. Now for the quiz!
One point for each of these tired fellas you can identify:
Two points apiece if you can name any of these exhausted guys:
And three whopping points if you know any of these weary bastards:
Personally I think this quiz is pretty effing hard. Faces are really tough to I.D. without noses, don't you think? I'll be impressed if anybody scores over five points. Anyhow, I'll be back late this afternoon to update this post with the exhausted man-candy answers, and to check if there are any other tired-eye aficionados out there…perhaps we could start a support group. See you all later!
Okay, time for the answers!
Don't feel bad if you didn't get many. Or any. Some of these were crazy tough or obscure.
A. A young Jack Nicholson. I figured he'd be the easiest, thanks to that eyebrow and his creepily-brilliant trademark evil squint.
B. Jude Law. Well spotted, Savannah and Ashlyn.
C. Johnny Depp. Man, I thought everybody would nail this one! Well done Michelle for calling it first.
D. James Dean. So young yet so tired… Props to Savannah.
E. Alan Rickman. Eyes, voice, schnoz, graphic design background…what doesn't the man have? Nobody got this one, and I blame it on the absence of nose.
F. Tahmoh Penikett (best known as space-fox Helo from Battlestar Galactica). A real hard one unless you've been jumped into the BSG cult.
G. A young Paul Newman. Well done to Wynter for nailing this one, without the aid of color, no less!
H. Les Stroud. Rugged Canadian outdoorsy dreamboat host of Survivorman, and my official back-up husband. Hope his wife is down with that. And I'm sure he'll be flattered to have been mistaken for Clint Eastwood.
I. Hugh Jackman. I have to give props to those who got this one—he's a NAC fave but I thought I'd picked a tricky photo…clearly, I was wrong. You kids sure know your Jackman.
J. Ewan McGregor. I thought the quiz photo made him look like Kiefer Sutherland and Jude Law's m/m lovechild. Hmm, now there's a fascinating visual…
K. Elvis Costello. I know, I cheated by taking away the glasses, plus he's not crazy recognizable to my fellow Yanks. But I couldn't leave him out—he's one of my very few idols. I have to give Michelle some cred for guessing Springsteen. I could see that…plus she guessed the right occupation.
L. James Franco. Bonus point to Savannah for mentioning his name, though not for the right pic. This photo was a super tough.
M. Julian Barratt, British comedian, actor and musician. I knew I'm the only one who'd have a hope in hell of recognizing this one, but Julian and his tired-eyed tallness do inexplicable things to my physiology. Bless him.
N. Dylan Moran. Irish comedian and actor. Biblio-dorks, watch Black Books. Truly. Netflix it now.
O. Vincent Regan. Mainly known for playing Captain in 300, the film husbands and wives can get boners over together. Oh Vincent…so weary, so angry, so beardy and bruised, so squinchy. You are the poster child for my libido.
That's it, kids! Thanks for reading.