Thursday, February 25, 2010

Euphemism Mania

When my hero says it’s time to make love to his heroine (or, given Illegal Moves, whoever it is he’s hot for), my first question is, where’s your raincoat? Your rubbers? Your cumbrella? After all, it is very important to dress for the occasion.

If you’re planning on going for a ride, don’t be afraid to don that crash helmet, protect yourself with body armor, or simply throw on a Johnson jacket, a Jimmy hat, or a banana bandana. Even a shower cap will do, as long as it’s big enough to be used as a manhole cover.

In other words, there will be no love without the glove, so sheath that sword.

I’ll get to the, er, meat of this blog in a second. First, let me get out an oven mitt, or some love gloves so I don’t burn myself talking about a hot sausage casing.

Ok, here’s the beef, and no, that's not a pun. The bottom line is that I find it necessary to at least mention why a condom isn’t being used if indeed it isn’t being used. It doesn’t take much. If she’s on birth control, they both need to have been tested for STD’s since they slept with their last partner. Once that piece of “business” has been taken care of, my personal favorites - in both the books I write and the ones I read - are when the hero has always worn a condom, and then he gets to go bareback for the first time with the heroine, after he knows he loves her. That’s just freakin’ hot.

So grab that trouser trojan, don’t forget the muscle muzzle, and go after that breeder’s cup because the only real safe sex involves a good strong parachute.


Laurann Dohner said...

LOL! I love your blog and you had me cracking up!!!

Cara McKenna said...

"Hot sausage casing" is without a doubt my favorite of the bunch. I usually stick with 'condom' or 'rubber', or if it feels to clinical for a super frantic, animalistic boinking scene, I'll mention that there's "the sound of fingers fumbling with a wrapper," or something like that.

Spam word: ingenuous. Yup, sometimes condom reference can be ingenuous, but it's got to be done.

Dalton Diaz said...

You should see the ones I didn't use! Just couldn't quite fit "sleave it to beaver" in the post. Go figure.

Wynter Daniels said...

Ha! Those are great. Thanks for my morning laugh.

Michelle Polaris said...

Hilarious, Dalton! Yup, gotta let the readers know that the h/h or h is thinking about those little darlings. Even writing erotic romance fantasy where magic can be the cure all, it's easy enough to write them in.

And how appropriate is the subject because it is raining out today where you are. Time to get out the rubbers and jackets!

Dalton Diaz said...

You know I'm a stickler for it. Just because we write erotica doesn't mean we don't have to show responsibility. I feel very strongly about that.

Ashlyn Chase said...

Very funny post, Dalton! I not only enjoyed it, I think I might steal, er, borrow from it! Isn't that the highest form of flattery? LOL.

I usually have my characters be blood donors. Every 8 weeks they help mankind and get tested for Aides and Hepatitis.


Jina Bacarr said...

Absolutely fabulous post, Dalton! And a good reminder to all about the importance of safe sex.

Since I write about Japan, I thought you might be interested in some Japanese words for condom:
sakku--sack; gomu--gum; and my favorite, Kondo-san--Mr. Condom.

Paris said...

LOL! Love the "trouser trojan"! Great blog and really good for an afternoon smile;-)

Naima Simone said...

ROFL!! I didn't know there were so many euphamisms for a condom!! That was hilarious! "Manhole cover"?? LOL!

I agree with you though about when the hero goes without protection for the first time with the woman he loves. It's so romantic to me because it definitely states you are different from the rest and you are the One.

Love it, Dalton!!

Stephanie Adkins said...

ROFL!! Great post, Dalton! Like Naima, I didn't know there were so many euphemism's for that. LOL!

Dalton Diaz said...

Guess it pays to have all boys. I'm known for sticking condoms in their Xmas stockings, starting at high school. Whether they're ready or not, opens up the line of communication.